As President Ambar made clear to students at her talk on February 28th, the college is facing a dire financial situation that is going to require tough decisions to be made. She challenged the audience to “think about what the possibilities are” and said that “while there are challenges, there are also opportunities”. Well, President Ambar, I’ve got just the solutions you and the Board of Trustees have been searching for:
For every STEM class, just use Khan Academy instead of professors.
Turn the football field into an arable plot of land for growing cash crops–less concussions, less toxic masculinity, more revenue.
Make the students who appropriate traditional working-class clothing (millionaires wearing Carhartt) grow and harvest crops for OSCA.
Make the students who work at the CIT Help Desk do something other than working on their computer science homework.
Turn WOBC into a SiriusXM station.
In order to improve retention and yield, put silly ethical considerations aside and just start cloning students.
Ever heard of a ‘swear jar’? Create one for microaggressions.
Confiscate and auction off every Canada Goose jacket.
Do we really need what feels like 5 deans per student? Probably not, so let’s make them prove their worth in an Olympics-style competition. Gold medalists get to keep their jobs, and the rest can go find another school to do their “dean-stuff” at.
Turn Dascomb into another hotel, except make this one run entirely on fossil fuels just to change things up.
Make tuition extremely expensive. Oh wait…
Contact staff writer Ian Feather at firstname.lastname@example.org.