Tuesday, February 27th 12:44 pm: Safety and Security officer assisted student who received second-degree burns from Stevenson dining hall plates.
3:14 pm Safety and Security received reports of a student in Wilder bowl stripping naked and professing their thanks to Apollo for the blessing of sun. (72 degree day)
11:33 pm: Student was found puking on first floor of Fairkid due to consumption of homebrewed kombucha.
Wednesday, February 28th 1:58 pm: Officers responded to Décafe stampede for last ciabatta roll resulting in one student being trampled.
6:23 pm: Stevenson dining hall staff reported a student falling into the abyss of the silverware chute while putting away dishes. An investigation to find and retrieve the student is ongoing.
Thursday, February 29th 1:24 am: Mudd staff reported a student emerging from circulation desk cabinets and asking for the date.
3:13 pm: Safety and Security officers assisted a student found in the arb after drunkenly attempting to dive into the still frozen pond.
9:45 pm: An alumnus reported the theft of their bike, which was left unlocked, from the racks outside South Hall in the spring of 2011.
Friday, March 2nd 4:25 pm: Faculty reported discovering environmental science students growing cannabis plants in AJLC ‘Living Machine’. The plants have an estimated street value of $20,000.
6:50 pm: Safety and Security officers responded to reports of a student attempting to leave Stevenson dining hall with a fountain machine: when asked, student said it was “for the pregame.”
Contact contributor Räbo Birch at firstname.lastname@example.org.